Your thoughts
are your first line of defense in
protecting yourself from an affair.
Not all thoughts become actions but
all actions begin as thoughts.
Obviously, thinking about having sex
with a co-worker doesn't mean you
will act on the thought. However,
thinking about having sex with a
co-worker does increase your chances
of acting on those thoughts if the
opportunity presents itself.
Keep your
thoughts on a professional level.
Pretend that everyone at your office
has the ability to hear your
thoughts. If you find yourself
dwelling on thoughts that would
embarrass you if others were
listening then replace those
thoughts with something more
appropriate.
Picture
yourself alone with a co-worker of
the opposite sex. How comfortable
would you feel if he or she took off
his or her suit coat? On your next
visit not only does the suit coat
come off but the tie or scarf too.
On the next visit your co-worker is
comfortable enough to not only take
off the suit coat, tie or scarf but
he or she unbuttons the top button
of his or her shirt. As your
co-worker becomes more comfortable
with you, each visit results in him
or her removing more clothing until
at last your co-worker has on
nothing at all.
Opening up
emotionally to a co-worker of the
opposite sex is like removing
clothing one item at a time. At
first it is very innocent. There is
no need for alarm. Neither of you
have done anything wrong. However,
the more you open up to each other
emotionally, the more vulnerable you
become to having an emotional
affair.
Most people
believe that as long as they don't
have sex with a co-worker then they
have done nothing wrong. However,
emotional intimacy with a co-worker
can sometimes cause more damage to
the health of your marriage than a
one night stand. The closer you
become emotionally with a co-worker
of the opposite sex, the further you
will withdraw emotionally from your
spouse. Once you are having an
emotional affair, it will become
increasingly difficult to refrain
from adding the physical element to
the affair.
Emotional
affairs are similar to physical
affairs in that the initial bonding
can be a very intense experience.
Your co-worker will probably listen
to you and understand you better
than your spouse has in years.
However, just like the intense sex
from a physical affair the intense
emotional feelings will eventually
fade overtime.
Keep the topic
of your conversations with
co-workers of the opposite sex
focused on work related items. If
the conversation switches to a more
personal level then make a quick
exit. How do you know if the
conversation is on a personal level?
Ask yourself if you would feel
comfortable with a room full of
people listening to the
conversation.
This may seem
extreme, especially since we all
have a desire to reach out and help
those in emotional pain. The problem
is most of us haven't received
training that would allow us to help
while maintaining an appropriate
emotional distance. If you find it
difficult or uncomfortable making a
quick exit, think about the end from
the beginning. How difficult would
it be to explain to your spouse why
you are leaving him or her. How
difficult would it be to explain to
your children why you are getting a
divorce. Would either one of these
conversations be less difficult than
coming up with an excuse to make a
quick exit?
You are not
the only person who can help your
co-worker with his or her problems.
Stay safe and let someone else help.
The problems that you could help
solve are nothing compared to the
problems you both will create if you
end up in an emotional or physical
affair.
If you desire
more emotional intimacy then talk
with your spouse. Emotional intimacy
takes time and effort, so you will
need to schedule a time when you can
be emotionally intimate with your
spouse. This may not sound very
romantic or even possible. You
probably would prefer for this to
happen spontaneously. But with all
the demands that both of you have on
your time, the likelihood of
emotional intimacy happening
spontaneously and at a convenient
time is virtually zero. Scheduling
time to be emotionally intimate
might seem awkward at first but
overtime it can become quite
natural.
3. Avoid Being Alone Together
Do everything
possible to avoid being alone with
co-workers of the opposite sex.
Don't go out to lunch, have drinks,
travel, recreate, etc. alone with a
co-worker of the opposite sex. If
you do any of these activities does
it mean you are going to have an
affair with a co-worker? Of course
not. But each activity will make
having an affair that much easier to
slip into.
4. Remind Yourself About the Reality
of Affairs
The incredible
sex will eventually become ordinary.
The excitement
of the affair will fade with time.
The faults you
and your co-worker have been hiding
from each other will be discovered.
Chances are
very slim you will be able to form a
healthy and happy long-term
relationship with each other.
If you do
manage to transition to a long term
relationship you both will always
have doubts that the other is
staying faithful.
Very few
people who have had an affair will
tell you it was worth it.
The cold hard
reality about affairs is once you
have peeled off the attractive
packaging, you are only going to
find misery and heartache.
5. Personal Space
The closer you
get two attracting magnets to each
other the stronger the attraction
becomes. Increase your personal
space and keep co-workers of the
opposite sex outside that space as
much as possible.
6. Don't Flirt
Flirting may
seem innocent and fun, but it's like
revving your engine at a stoplight.
All that will happen is you are
either going to heat up your engine
or accidentally slip into oncoming
traffic. A few minutes of having fun
by flirting is not worth the
heartache and misery it could lead
to.
7. Minimize
Physical Contact
If you are in
the habit of touching co-workers on
the shoulder, arm, back, etc., break
the habit. You probably don't mean
anything by it, but your co-worker
might get the wrong impression.
8. Get a Buddy
The buddy
system is used to protect you from
unseen or overlooked dangers. Choose
a co-worker of the same gender and
ask him or her to be your “Marriage
Guard” Ask him or her to be brutally
honest with you if he or she notices
behaviors, habits, etc that could
result in getting too close to the
line that you don't want to cross.
9. Don't Drink
Most people
who have sex with a co-worker while
intoxicated would have abstained had
they been sober. Chances of having
sex with a co-worker while you are
drunk are actually pretty low.
Chances of getting in an auto
accident while intoxicated are also
pretty low. Why take small chances
at all? Is the few hours of pleasure
from the alcohol worth the years of
pain and misery you will experience
from one night of drunken sex?
10. Strengthen Your Marriage
The grass is
greener on the side you water. A
healthy marriage doesn't guarantee
you won't have an affair, but it
does offer significant protection.
Grass only stays green and healthy
if you water, fertilize and care for
it on a regular basis. The same is
true for your marriage. If you want
your marriage to stay healthy, you
need to nurture it on a daily basis.
Protecting your marriage takes time
and effort. However, if you think
any of these tips are too hard to
implement ask someone who has gone
through an affair how hard it was to
try and repair the damage that was
done to his or her marriage.
Most importantly, realize that an
affair can happen to you. By
acknowledging this fact you will be
less likely to lower defenses and
make a mistake during a “moment of
weakness”.
It is also important to write down
your “Marriage Protection Plan”.
Write down the specific things you
will do to keep yourself as far away
from becoming ensnared by the web of
an affair. Don't skip this step. It
may seem insignificant, but the act
of writing your plan down increases
your chances of implementing the
plan when it is needed.
Learn even
more skills and information that can
help you form and sustain a healthy
marriage by taking a healthy
marriage education workshop. To find
one in your area visit the directory
of marriage education programs at
the Smart Marriages website by
clicking
http://http://www.smartmarriages.com/index.html.
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National Healthy Marriage Institute
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